Do you ever think of a good memory and then feel like crying? I saw a picture of my sister when she was probably 16. She had a straw hat on a was giving some kind of glamour smile for the picture--something stupid we used to do back in the day. I remembered messing around with my sister like that and having lots of fun, but every time I think of those memories now, there is some kind of sadness along with it.
My solution is to not think about them very much. I want to think about the future and what's going to happen today and tomorrow instead of thinking about even the good times in my past.
I really don't know yet why good memories make me want to cry. Maybe it's because I live in NC and most of my family live in PA or Canada. Perhaps seeing those good memories reminds me how much I miss them right now, something I try not to focus on since I have to make a life here with my new family. But at times I feel like they will never replace my real family. I know. They're not supposed to, but you know what I mean. I guess I'm afraid I'll never have as good a time as I had with my own brothers and sisters growing up, and it makes me really sad not to be able to keep making daily memories with them now.
But I wouldn't change my decision. Starting a new life here in a small town was what I needed. And I'm overlooking the fights I used to have with my brothers and sisters when we were all growing up, the lack of emotional control I had (lol, well, ok, I guess that one's still with me at times…don't act like you never do that as a grown woman! PMS week? Hmmm???).
What I do get to look forward to everyday is being with my wonderful Jorge (my boyfriend…heck, no, that's not the name of my favorite teddy bear. I don't have stuffed animals on my bed anymore, not that there's anything wrong with that. But let me just say, ladies, that if you do, give your man a break about his "childish" video games then alright?). And I get to work on my dream of writing and publishing.
So while dwelling on family memories brings me to tears and does not accomplish anything more that calling the day a "no work zone" so I can deal with the depression, I choose to dwell on my future, meet the people of this rinky-dink town and learn how to live as a strong woman with the love of a truly good man, and write! My goal is to be a best selling author, so keep your eyes on those New York Times lists. I know, it might seem a long way off. You might say, "You don't even have your first novel published!" But that doesn't change anything in my mind. In the future my books are already on that list and I keep living each day with these thoughts as my focus. I hold the memories with my family in my pictures and in thoughts I keep locked in a back room of my mind. The day will come when it's time to pull them out and write a bestseller about growing up in a place so small it couldn't even be called a town, in the Appalachians. "Some day I may teach you how to sing, Georgie. But today is not that day." (For those of you who've seen Rigoletto.)
Today it's time to focus on the now so when I stand looking at that bestsellers list, I will have a pocketful of good memories about my new life, my new life that is happening today.
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