Did you ever meet someone who needed help, you talked to them, were understanding with them, encouraged them, but nothing ever changed? They just kept being the same person. And you reach a point where you scream and clench your fists and say, "Damn, if I could just get my hands into their life and just change all the stupid things they're doing!" You see them pitying themselves in their sad situation that they're stuck in, but you see so many ways out for them. Whenever you mention one of these ways, they gently shut the gate you've slung wide open and remind you with sad eyes that this potential freedom cannot be. They reinforce their thinking at every chance that they are helpless, that there is no way to change their situation. But you see the truth! You know something can be done. You can plainly see the way to a better life for them. But they have their eyes half closed as they exist day after day. Why they do that?! To heck if I know! But I remember doing it myself. I would have to say that it is a mindset they get trapped in. Whatever the reason, whatever its beginning, it's there. So, what do you do with it?
Today I was feeling frustrated as I saw a loved one's life so clearly: the steps they needed to take to strengthen themselves, the steps to change their stale, restricting situation. And I wanted to just get my hands in there, to make them do what needed done to bring change and a better life. But at the very same time, I knew that would never work. Well, it might work in a temporary, dictatorial type of way, but I knew it was not the right way. If they were going to change, it would have to be their decision. The only thing I could change was myself.
Well, that sounds stupid. They are the one that needs changing, right? How is changing one of my flaws ever going to help them see what they need to change in their lives? The truth of it is, if I try to change them, I will frustrate myself to the point of hating them, being rude to them, definitely not helping them in their situation. The only way to keep my attitude and perspective about them correct is to just change things I actually have the power to change, such as myself. And amazingly enough, this has often gotten the ball rolling for someone else to start change in their lives. Maybe them seeing me happy and unafraid of change gives them the courage they need. Maybe my complete acceptance of them exactly the way they are gives them that loving comfort zone that makes them dare to step out. Whatever it is that does it, it works.
So when I start to get all torqued up, I try to remember that I'm just building a useless frustration if my focus is to try to make them change. Instead, I remind myself to shift my focus onto something I can do in my own life, a project I've been meaning to finish, a tantalizing story idea to work on. And before I know it, I'm happier, they're happier and we're both working together to make our lives better. It works so much better than pointing out their faults in an accusing sort of way, as if I don't have any of my own.
As I was writing this post, I found a quote on the Facebook page of a writer friend of mine, Liz Hamm. It says: "If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change toward him….We need not wait to see what others do." --Mahatma Gandhi
One of the secrets to helping other people to change is to change yourself. You are the influence that evokes change in others.
My friend has a blog as well. Go check it out at www.bookwetzlhamm.blogspot.com She writes excellent poetry that will make you feel magic again.
