I Want to Get My Hands in There and Change People

Did you ever meet someone who needed help, you talked to them, were understanding with them, encouraged them, but nothing ever changed?  They just kept being the same person.  And you reach a point where you scream and clench your fists and say, "Damn, if I could just get my hands into their life and just change all the stupid things they're doing!"  You see them pitying themselves in their sad situation that they're stuck in, but you see so many ways out for them.  Whenever you mention one of these ways, they gently shut the gate you've slung wide open and remind you with sad eyes that this potential freedom cannot be.  They reinforce their thinking at every chance that they are helpless, that there is no way to change their situation.  But you see the truth!  You know something can be done.  You can plainly see the way to a better life for them.  But they have their eyes half closed as they exist day after day.  Why they do that?!  To heck if I know!  But I remember doing it myself.  I would have to say that it is a mindset they get trapped in.  Whatever the reason, whatever its beginning, it's there.  So, what do you do with it?    

Today I was feeling frustrated as I saw a loved one's life so clearly:  the steps they needed to take to strengthen themselves, the steps to change their stale, restricting situation.  And I wanted to just get my hands in there, to make them do what needed done to bring change and a better life.  But at the very same time, I knew that would never work.  Well, it might work in a temporary, dictatorial type of way, but I knew it was not the right way.  If they were going to change, it would have to be their decision.  The only thing I could change was myself.  

Well, that sounds stupid.  They are the one that needs changing, right?  How is changing one of my flaws ever going to help them see what they need to change in their lives?  The truth of it is, if I try to change them, I will frustrate myself to the point of hating them, being rude to them, definitely not helping them in their situation.  The only way to keep my attitude and perspective about them correct is to just change things I actually have the power to change, such as myself.  And amazingly enough, this has often gotten the ball rolling for someone else to start change in their lives.  Maybe them seeing me happy and unafraid of change gives them the courage they need.  Maybe my complete acceptance of them exactly the way they are gives them that loving comfort zone that makes them dare to step out.  Whatever it is that does it, it works.    

So when I start to get all torqued up, I try to remember that I'm just building a useless frustration if my focus is to try to make them change.  Instead, I remind myself to shift my focus onto something I can do in my own life, a project I've been meaning to finish, a tantalizing story idea to work on.  And before I know it, I'm happier, they're happier and we're both working together to make our lives better.  It works so much better than pointing out their faults in an accusing sort of way, as if I don't have any of my own.  

As I was writing this post, I found a quote on the Facebook page of a writer friend of mine, Liz Hamm.  It says:   "If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change.  As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change toward him….We need not wait to see what others do."  --Mahatma Gandhi  

One of the secrets to helping other people to change is to change yourself.  You are the influence that evokes change in others.  

My friend has a blog as well.  Go check it out at www.bookwetzlhamm.blogspot.com  She writes excellent poetry that will make you feel magic again.

Dream On

"Dream On"

 "Never lose your laugh. " "Don't let Satan steal your joy. " "Keep that smile. "   

I was always confused by phrases like this when I was in high school.  Now I know why.  Smiling comes naturally to the young who know nothing of the impossibilities of life.  Life was good,  no matter what happened.  Now I see that the grown-ups were warning me of impending disaster. They were saying, Your life will inevitably fall apart. When it does, keep smiling. A very ominous prediction. (In truth, my life never fell apart. All normal things came into it, like heartbreak from a first love, deception, misleadings, lies. But that is all a natural part of becoming a part of this world. Perhaps instead of looking at it like "Your life will fall apart,  when it does,  stay true to God," it should be portrayed as the right of passage into adulthood.  I used to shrink in fear at what might be The Thing that happens to me. There is naught to fear. To most people, only the natural things of life will occur. Gaining a job, the loss of a job. Gain of money,  loss of money. Having someone's love, losing that person's love. It's all natural and need not be given the pleasure of having the negative side of these aspects emphasized. These curses need not be put on the young, for they will happen naturally enough.

Encourage them that life is how you see it. You can see these natural happenings as your life falling apart or as the doors to the rights and privileges of adulthood opening. Adults know how to get themselves through these obstacles without losing their desire to live. This attitude is what should be taught to the young, not that disaster will come, but how to get through it. Why do we try to douse their light as teenagers when we've encouraged them to dream and imagine as children. The teen years are the most powerful time for encouragement because they are at an age when they can do something about their dreams. Tell them that even with a college education,  it is difficult to get a hold in the world, so here is how you do it. Let's give them something useful for their adult lives instead of depressing them and squelching their dreams. And instead of saying, There will come a day--, let's tell them, There may come a day when you want to give up, when the world is dark, when you think your dreams can't come true.  On that day, remember all the excitement you had about life when you were a child and choose not to let anything make you put that excitement away.

Dream on!

"Dream On" by Aerosmith

A New Way to Live

Days dawn bright with many possibilities, many things to do.  A list waits on my dresser; part of it leftover from yesterday, a new one to make today, to add to things I didn't accomplish yesterday.  Tomorrow, another list.  It will never end.  There is more to life.  I can feel it.  More than just waiting till evening, till the weekend, till I have my own place, till I'm married....  That is just another kind of list.  A list of things I'm waiting for and, many of them, can do nothing about.  But there is another way to live.  I just know it!

Peace in every moment.  A deep excitement that cannot be explained.  Energy pulsing in my body.  Anticipating things to come, yet relishing every second I live in.

The sky opens to me and light pours down.  I close my eyes.  My heart feels warmer.  I have a desire to put on a coat and go explore the last of the fall leaves on the tall oak beside my front door.  Anticipation wells up like a slowly rising stream.  I reach out to inspiration and inspiration reaches back.  My heart opens, blooms and accepts the rays of the sun.  Peace has come.